There are no pretty pictures in this post, FYI.
Upon watching my youtube tutorials, many of you may have noticed that something isn’t quite right with my left eye. I brushed off countless comments (youtube can be a lovely place like that) because it was something we intended on fixing. Today I received some less than fantastic news, fckn awful news to be frank; I’ve cried till there is nothing left, I’ve analysed till my head hurt and now, I’m going to write a post.
And broadcast it to thousands of people. How therapeutic.
Just under a year ago, I elected to have surgery to correct my sporadic Strabismus or, in normal people terms, the muscular misalignment of my left eye. The lazy eye wasn’t glaringly obvious to you guys but it was enough to confuse my brain: I was frequently disorientated, nauseated and ultimately, I stopped driving and attending uni lectures. It was, without a doubt, ruining my life.
Strabismus surgery is considered an uncomplicated, routine surgery. I was in the hands of one of Australia’s top medical professionals but nobody could have predicted that days after surgery, I would develop an extremely rare complication – a massive black spot in my sclera (white of the eye). The actual biology behind this complication is still relatively unknown and I quickly became a bit of a circus spectacle; every doctor has oohed and ahhed and offered their 2 cents.
My specialist assured me that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. We tried laser therapy which was unsuccessful, there was one last option: A scleral graft (patching over the area with sclera obtained from a young donor). My appointment was booked for the 27th of March and everything was going to be okay, but I decided to get a second opinion because I ONLY HAVE TWO EYES y’know.
The second eye specialist said, in her words – This is incredibly serious. Do you have a known auto-immune disease? Have you been exposed to radiation? You’re lucky to have your eye. Who is to say this won’t happen again? Personally, I wouldn’t operate on you if you offered me a million dollars.
You’re lucky to have your eye. This is incredibly serious. Young doner. You’re lucky to have your eye. I kept repeating it to myself until I fell apart in the foyer, convulsing and sobbing like a child. When it comes to critical organs like your heart or your brain or your eyes, you opt for the most conservative opinion; you don’t take significant and foreseeable risks with your goddamn eyes… So I cancelled the surgery.
I cried some more. Call me ungrateful, call me vain, I don’t care. I don’t want to be memorable for a defect. I don’t want my most distinguishable feature to be a flaw. I don’t want to be that girl who has that black spot in her eye. I don’t want to feel like I disgust people. The nature of what I do here and on youtube really heightens these emotions.
So the future is scary and unknown. I could heal further, I could not. I was hoping to get Lasik sometime in the future, but now that may not be an option. Cherish your health and cherish your eyes, because I’ve learnt that medical science is no miracle worker. You can have access to top professionals and shell out as much cash as you want and it may not be enough.
If you are reading this and happen to be an eye specialist, you’re welcome to chime in. Finally, I don’t say this often enough but I really love you guys. I’m so grateful that you’ve read my posts and watched my videos throughout the ordeal. I feel like I’m talking to an old friend.